Customer Service

Yesterday, I called a company who I'd rather not name specifically because up until now, they've actually been ok, since I've only dealt with a computer and fit into the mold of the customer they hope to have. I can't say the experience was pleasant. After that experience, I decided that the next time I reach a call center, the following disclaimer might be nice:


Hello and thanks for calling XYZ company. As you can tell, I am not from the United States and therefore not only will you experience the frustration of the initial problem you contacted us about, but you will have frustration from a language barrier as well as differences in perspective. Not only will you deal with these issues, but I am also mired in bureaucracy and can make no replies other than what the computer prompts me to say because I was not trained to properly listen to your request or to resolve it on the off chance that we actually transcend the cultural and language barriers between us. Oh yes, and thank you for holding for 25 minutes and selecting from the endless computer prompts while we told you your call is important to us, as considering everything I just mentioned any idiot can tell that your call is actually a nuisance we'd rather not deal with because it costs the company money and we have yet to realize that losing customers actually costs us more than good customer service. Now, how can I assist you, if you're still dense enough to believe that telling me what is going on will actually help you? Oh, one other thing, let me take a moment to access your account, may I please have every personal detail that you can think of so I can use this information for identity theft purposes? I know you've already entered your 16 digit account number, zip code and said your mother's maiden name 4 times since you reached our automated answering service, but I have no access whatsoever to the information you entered. By the way, if you don't like the level of service I am providing, please note that I will do everything in my power to avoid connecting you to someone who will help. Even if I do try, you will probably be cut off in the process because we hope that will be frustrating enough that you will not call back.

At this point, I probably would hang up and find another way to deal with it.

Instead, here's how my last call went:

Listen to all the options, select the one that fits. Finally reach customer service.
Rep (in his best English, reading from prompts the whole time): Thank you for calling XYZ company, how may I assist you?
Me: Hi, I'm having troubles with the shipping option on your website. I'm ordering from multiple vendors, so I expect to have to pay a little bit more, but $106 seems high for less than 5 pounds to be shipped.
Rep: Let me take a moment to access your account. (3-4 minutes pass on hold).

Rep: Okay, yes I see you are ordering from multiple vendors. Normally, XYZ company limits the amount of shipping a vendor can charge, unless... Oh yes, I see, these vendors have chosen to charge per item on shipping per their own policy.

Me: Ok, so what can we do about it, $106 seems a bit excessive for shipping?

Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Me: Look, I contacted one of the vendors and they said that XYZ would combine shipping on the items automatically, so it really shouldn't be this much.

Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Me: I understand that it's XYZ's policy that you not interfere with vendors' shipping charges, but what I'm saying is that I don't think the vendor wants to charge this much because they told me that you combine shipping automatically. I think there is a problem with the site.

Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Me (getting upset): Look, no one in their right mind would charge this much to ship these items, they weigh maybe 5 pounds. Is there someone there that I can talk to who understands the site a little better?

Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Me (quite upset): I get what you're saying, I think there is a problem with the site. Is there someone else there that I can talk to that understands the site better?

Rep: Sir, based on what you told me, I can not transfer this call, I am sorry.

Me: I just want to talk to someone who knows the site better.

Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Me: Fine, I get it, you can't help. Thank you for your time! Goodbye!

Here's how I wish I could have handled it yesterday:

The same until after this exchange I wrote about above:

Me: I understand that it's XYZ's policy that you not interfere with vendors' shipping charges, but what I'm saying is that I don't think the vendor wants to charge this much because they told me that you combine shipping automatically. I think there is a problem with the site.
Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Then I might change the conversation:

Me: Your mom doesn't want to interfere with vendor's shipping charges.

Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Me: Can you take a moment and talk to me instead of reading from the screen?

Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Me: I'd like a Big Mac, Large Fries and a Diet Coke

Rep:Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Me: Surely I can at least get a Diet Coke for my troubles?

Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Me: How much would it cost to ship a Diet Coke from your part of the world?

Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Me: I was thinking, since I have $106 just burning a hole in my pocket, I'd like you to go the vending machine in your office, buy me a Diet Coke and ship it to me. I will then send you $106 for shipping and $1 for the cost of the Diet Coke.

Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Me: I tell you what, why don't you just keep the Coke, I'll send you the money to pay for it.

Rep: I'm sorry sir, it is XYZ's policy that we not interfere with vendors' shipping charges.

Me: Alright then, you enjoy your Coke and give me a call to tell me how it tasted. I'll catch you later.

Rep: Can I be of any further assistance?

Me: Nope, just be sure to get that Coke.

Rep: Thank you for calling XYZ company and have a wonderful day.

Me: You too.

Sometimes what you should have said sounds so much better than what you actually did say.

One last thing, about a minute after I got off the phone with this guy, I got an e-mail asking me to evaluate my customer service experience. As if they couldn't guess...